United States Parking-lot Service
First off, I must warn you that I'm going to use "the 'F' word" below. This is only appropriate, because I am writing about the United States National Parks Service. Indeed, using "naughty" four-letter-words is unavoidable when discussing the US NPS, even for one with a vast vocabulary such as I possess. Using words many consider obscene and offensive is as much a part of discussing the Park Service as heat and light is part of the sunrise; as stars are part of the night sky; as poopy diapers are part of infant care. You get the idea.
To: Director Fran Mainella
Now that that's settled, I hereby appoint myself the new Director of the United States National Parks Service. I have several new orders for my employees. These orders apply to all Park employees throughout the continental United States and all USA possessions.
National Park Service
1849 "C" Street NW
Washington, DC 20240
Rabbit Holes Spring
Valjean Valley, CA
December 4th., 2002CE
Dear pavement-happy Director Mainella,
The Park Service's motto, as reproduced on the official Internet web site, appears to be
"Experience Your America®." Indeed, you have even TRADEMARKED the phrase. A trademark
is "a name, symbol, or other device identifying a product, officially registered and
legally restricted to the use of the trademark's owner and product's manufacturer." This
goes straight to the heart of my letter. The "America" your business has left to the
citizens is no longer worth "experiencing." What had once been beautiful, the NPS has
fucked up with its insane desire for ever-increasing visitor count and its lust for ever more
The National Parks Service is hacking off pieces of America and selling it to consumers. To achieve your nefarious, greedy ends, the NPS has been littering the once-beautiful and wild North American continent with flush toilets; trash bins; cola-dispensing machines; junk food stores; paved roads; paved parking lots; fences; walls; gates; armed guards; Federal police; street lamps; floodlights; feminine napkin disposal bins; staircases up hills and cliffs; multi-media production display monitors; machines vending everything from candy to fingernail clippers; and a long, long list of other consumer abominations. What was once beautiful, magnificent wildernesses, has become a consumer commodity, thanks to the National Parks Service. You have made of American wilderness Big Business; you are a business, not a "service."
And the consumers come in hordes. They fill the Parks by the millions, bringing their automobiles; dogs; cats; squalling brats; television sets; satellite dishes; power generators; jet skis, cigarette butts; discarded poopy diapers; graffiti; rifles; pistols; candy wrappers; beer cans; soiled toilet paper; plastic bottles; clumps of excrement; puddles of engine oil; broken glass; and cult indoctrination tracts.
This isn't an America any sane human being wishes to experience.
Since you, Director Mainella, have done nothing to reverse these criminal acts against
America, Nature, and the American citizenry, your employment as Director of the NPS is
hereby *TERMINATED.* You have one hour to pick up your last paycheck and vacate your office; after an hour, you will be considered a trespasser. So long, and don't bother to keep in touch.
P.S. Merry Christmas
Order Number One: All paved roads leading into and out of parks are to hereby be closed.
If any visitors are caught behind the gates inside the parks, they may leave their cars
and walk out, or starve to death. Cars left within the parks are to be dynamited and the
rubble left for would-be automotive visitors to view and soberly contemplate.
Order Number Two: All current and / or planned construction projects are hereby terminated. Construction is to hereby cease immediately.
Order Number Three: The paved roads in front of every park gate are to be dynamited and then cut with backhoes to a depth of fifteen feet. If hard rock is in the way, use more dynamite.
Order Number Four: The Park Service's guards are to shoot-to-kill anyone attempting to drive any motorized vehicle into any and all parks. A monetary reward system is currently being set in place to reward the Park Service guards with the largest number of confirmed kills. Photographs of the dead carcass of a driver, slumped inside a bullet-riddled automobile, will be accepted as proof of a kill.
Order Number Five: All toilets are to be destroyed. Plastic or wood toilets are to be given the two-sticks-of-dynamite treatment. Toilets made of cement or concrete are to be given the six-sick treatment.
Order Number Six: All parking lots within the parks are to be torn into rubble. Use as much dynamite, C4, or cordite as required to get a nice, rumpled, even field of ruin.
Order Number Seven: Every vending machine is to be shot with a high-caliber, high-velocity projectile twenty or more times.
Order Number Eight: All telephone wires and electricity wires going into every park are to be removed.
Order Number Nine: Every Park employee is hereby a non-paid volunteer.
Order Number Ten: Anyone caught making a profit off of the nation's Parks will be subjected to
massive bodily mutilation with a blunt screwdriver until they no longer desire that profit.
The only exception is Directive Number Four above.
Order Number Eleven: The Parks' financial records are to be examined, and the names and addresses of every person who has profited by the National Parks Services are to be recorded. These people are to be rounded up, ground into hamburger, and left as coyote-chow in the park each individual has profited from.
Order Number Twelve: Every park will be open to any visitor without fee.
Order Number Thirteen: Every visitor must visit the Parks on foot, packing their own food, water, and sleeping gear on their backs.
Order Number Fourteen: If a visitor suffers an accident or gets lost, no rescue effort is to be made. All visitors are to be left to their own wit and desire to live.
With these directives, and this new direction, the nation's wildernesses have been given a chance to recover. You're welcome.